Kathleen and Judi at Eisenhauer Chapel in Colorado

Gold Star Wives at Eisenhauer Chapel Memorial Service

How best can we meet the challenge of being helpful/supportive to friends, co-workers and employees who may have experienced deep and lasting wounds from traumatic experiences?

In fact, old emotional wounds can cause numbness, rage and anxiety and may be invisible to the rest of the world. For example, when 1st Sergeant Louis McShane received his honorable discharge from the U.S. Army in 1947 after World War II, he remembers throwing his duffel bag over his shoulder and walking out into sunshine after a handshake and hearing the words: “Go home and get a job.”

Fifty years later, after his wife’s death, Louis broke down. He began to speak about the horrors he had heard and seen on the beaches of Normandy where he witnessed comrades impaled by bayonets and others drowning as they tried to swim to shore wearing ninety pounds of gear during the Allied Landing.

“I don’t know how I made it back alive,” he repeated. “I always carried a kind of guilt.”

For years, Louis kept the burden of what he had seen to himself. His employers, family and even his close friends knew only that he had been in the army and that he was a workaholic when he returned.  No one except Louis knew that he woke most nights in a cold sweat. Working long hours was his way of coping with obsessive thoughts and nightmares.

Direct experience with traumatizing events has the potential to evoke a lasting stress reaction. Besides war – motor vehicle accidents, plane crashes, nuclear meltdowns, child and spousal abuse, being a victim of rape, can all shatter a sense of security and make the world feel like a hostile environment.

Witnessing a death through murder, combat or disaster seems to permeate personal stability and have the most lingering emotional and physical effects that may be accompanied by a prolonged silence, even guilt, about the event.

There can also be collateral damage within families; for every person who is on active duty in a war zone, there is often a spouse, partner or family member enduring the prolonged stress of anxiously awaiting their safe return, and, in today’s military, this might be husband and/or wife.   Recent research on the 137,000 female troops who have served in Iraq and Afghanistan reveal a different phenomenon than past wars. In previous wars, women primarily witnessed the results of combat as nurses receiving the wounded. Today they participate in long deployments alongside their male counterparts and suffer from exposure to inflicting death with M-16s and grenade launchers, along with experiencing ambushes, mortar attacks and fallen comrades. Children have reported that, “mommy isn’t the same anymore,” when mothers return home from war zones. Women returning from combat appear to be showing symptoms of mental health and adjustment problems at roughly the same rate as men, but Ronald Kessler of Harvard University and author of a landmark study on PTSD says that, because Iraq was the first war in which women were so exposed to hostile fire, the outcome is only starting to be understood.

Unrecognized and untreated post-traumatic stress disorder  (PTSD) is known to disturb physical health, emotional status and relationships with friends, family members and co-workers. Symptoms include flashbacks, nightmares, or constant fear. Some sufferers say they feel “crazy” and worry that they will end up homeless. They are awakened night after night by dreams about exploding mortars and barking dogs.

While Veterans returning from WWII, the Korean War and even the Vietnam War were encouraged to take the “John Wayne approach” (PTSD was not officially recognized until 1980), according to research at the National Center for PTSD, Veterans’ organizations today have been more direct and assertive about informing those returning from Iraq and Afghanistan that they are at risk of PTSD. Veterans of the Vietnam era have described the positive benefits of gathering with people of the same age and experience and simply talking about the war. Being able to tell “war stories” to an understanding listener releases the feeling of being “locked in a pressure cooker.”

If a friend or co-worker appears fearful, fatigued, depressed, easily provoked and/or prone to negative or reactive behavior over a prolonged period of time, they may be suffering from an unrecognized and untreated reaction to a traumatic event. They may choose to remain silent about their experience, or they may suddenly decide to speak. If you happen to be the person they open up to, here are some appropriate ways to respond:


  • Recognize that people react differently to disasters and traumatic events. It may be challenging for you to hear about the events that terrified another person, but remember that this is their story and you cannot gage another’s reaction by how you might have behaved. Avoid telling someone what they should be thinking, feeling or doing by responding with statements such as: “You shouldn’t feel like that.” If you are lost for words, it’s better to say something like: “It sounds like you did the best that you possibly could.” If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact and a squeeze of the hand if it’s appropriate.
  • Listen with unconditional regard if someone begins to share a past experience. Many people are fearful of how they might be judged by others. You can’t harm someone with kindness, but criticism at a vulnerable moment can be devastating and unproductive.
  •  Remind them that talking may be difficult, but it’s okay – especially if you are sure that you’re ready to listen.
  • Avoid patronizing and distracting behavior such as such as recounting your own experience of traumatic events as if you understand exactly what they are feeling. If you have gone through a similar experience, it is appropriate to share but don’t claim to “know” what the person is experiencing.
  • Acquaint yourself with grief counselors and professionals who deal with PTSD. Be prepared to make a recommendation or referral, especially if thoughts of suicide are mentioned or alluded to. If possible, have names and contact information available. Treatment today war-related PTSD includes group sessions, art therapy and combat-stress counseling. Participants say that being with people who have been through the same experience makes them feel more “normal.”
  • Believe in the power of listening and the importance of simple connection between people. Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the experience.

We are not so far away from a time when people were reluctant to seek help because of the stigma attached to psychological treatment and the fear that it could have a damaging impact on a career.

When Louis McShane finally began to speak about what he had seen and experienced fifty years earlier, he discovered an echo. Others had been there, too, and he said he began to sleep at night. In spite of the many ways we have to communicate in today’s world, it is still possible for people to feel that they are holding on to difficult emotions in isolation. We need to meet each other with compassion and concern for the invisible scars of living in today’s world.